This Just In: Britney Spears Loses Physical Custody of her Children

In a shocking twist in the oft-discussed Britney/Kevin love spiral, Britney has just been ordered to relinquish custody of her babies to her ex, Kevin “my middle name is class – or is it ass” Federline (cuz ass is good, right?).

What went awry in the marriage to lead them both down this path of heartache and despair? I can tell you. In fact, it’s quite simple.

Britney should have married my husband, Bob, a.k.a. The B-Mag or Jam-Master Finance. It's all good, homies, and I’m going to lay it out for y’all.

Picture it, if you will:

May, 2000: Britney enrolls part-time at the University of Oregon. She lives in the dorms to get closer to the real people; although she is frequently gone promoting what will soon be her first album. Dorm mates spot a young man approaching and point in delight. Could this be Brit’s new boyfriend?

Indeed it is. The young ladies gasp collectively as the tall figure walks through the courtyard into the dorm entrance. The tails of his Polo button down sway in the warm breeze, his pulled up dress socks adding just the right dash of je ne sais quoi. Two girls literally swoon. Britney knows this is her man, as he’s carrying his signature briefcase by his side. After all, he is the star College Agent for a national life insurance company. Yes, it’s college: a time to experiment, to be free, and to delve into the fantasy world that is Fortune 500 companies. With a familiar “click click” Britney hears Bob snap open his briefcase as he approaches her door. Her entourage moves to the sides of the room to prepare for his entrance, and the doors open to Bob holding a whole life policy in Britney’s name. “This ain’t term, baby,” He croons, and two months later, Hit Me Baby, One More Time is born.

2004: Britney is impregnated with triplets. B-Mag doesn’t like to mess around with the average, and by God, his woman is gonna breed, dammit. Get that DNA out there! There are future Phi Kappa Psi Presidents to be made! Three months after the triplets are born, Britney succumbs to his virility and conceives yet again. Oops...I Did it Again goes double platinum in a re-release.

2007: Britney announces her retirement to train German Shepherd Dogs, and is elected to her children’s PTA for a record four year presidential term. Bob couldn’t be prouder, and promotes Britney to Chief Operating Officer of their household affairs.

2020: Britney celebrates twenty years with B-Mag, and in honor of their loving bond, releases her first album in 13 years: a Christian collaboration with Kathie Lee Gifford singing backup. For the piece de resistance, Britney and Bob adopt two of the Jolie-Pitt children that were left out in a previous divorce decree.

2053: In a tragic set of events, Britney’s plane crashes en route to charity work at the Oregon Alpha chapter of Phi Kappa Psi. Her dream of adding a wing to the crumbling frat house and becoming an honorary House Mother burn with the plane wreckage. Four days later she is buried next to Bob’s first briefcase. The nation mourns.

Do you see how differently things could have gone for Brit?