Sunday, October 21, 2007

How to Horrify Your Inlaws, Part I

Step One: Search for the missing orange soccer sock early on a Sunday morning. Tear house apart, intermittently hissing that the damned thing couldn't have walked out of the house.

Step Two: After pouring inlaws their second cup of coffee, loudly exclaim that you and your husband need to clean out the cars so that you can look for the sock. Mention that the cars are total shit heaps that haven't been cleaned in over a week. Say nothing as they agree to watch the baby as you "quickly" clean out the cars.

Step Three: Take over an hour excavating the massive amount of crap in the cars. Yell at the older children that you are going to burn their belongings if they don't come and fetch them from the growing pile in the kitchen. Loudly take an inventory of the items you have removed from the cars, to include cheese, musical instruments, underwear, and an eye patch.

Step Four: Scream at husband that he is going to electrocute himself as he begins to vacuum out your car. Remove third row seat and point out standing water in the leg wells from the forty-seven juice boxes your five year old likes to squeeze on the way to soccer. Remember that you still haven't found the fucking soccer sock and berate children for undressing in the car and for eating your good cheese.

Step Five: After more than an hour has passed, see triangle of orange peaking out from violin case in back of husband's car. Grab sock and parade through house in brazen imitation of Britney Spears at VMAs. Chortle to inlaws that they should love your bad self, your sock-finding boo-tay then tell husband to grab the Deep Woods Off for the mosquito larva growing in the big car.

31 comments:

BetteJo said...

I don't know how the in-laws feel - but you made ME laugh out loud!

jen said...

this is hilarious. absolutely hilarious.

Robin said...

Oh dear...

This was hysterical, I can't begin to imagine what you're going to do in part two. (Hey, that rhymes!)

MamaLee said...

I was CRACKING up reading this! My van isn't as bad as your HEAPS-O-FUN, but I spent yesterday vacuuming out the van, complete with steam cleaning those mats. Something nuclear DID spill on one of those mats, I SWEAR!

Keep us posted - did you febreze the FRICK outta those vehicles? lol

Mr. Fabulous said...

The inside of your cars frighten me and make me cry.

PeetSwea said...

That was just too funny. Funny how those socks can get away from us!

Nancy said...

Such a visual!

I'd say, lease cars, when they get that bad, turn 'em in and start all over.

Rimarama said...

Did you happen to find a hot pink Croc in there? I've been looking for it.

Katrina said...

Sounds like any given Saturday around here. ;o)

suburbancorrespondent said...

I actually had a friend say to me, after I commented on how clean her car was, "Oh, I just don't let the kids eat in the car." I may have to get a new friend.

crazymumma said...

Living the dream....

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck said...

NIIIIIIICE. I can't wait for part two!

BOSSY said...

Bossy's How To Horrify The Inlaws List Part One would be brief: Marry their son.

Just Seeking said...

Normally I would have said to just wear one orange one with a white one---who would notice, right? they only come all the way up to the knee.
But since the search allowed you horrify the inlaws, well, then I'm all for it!

Lela said...

Hahahaha! Um, want to come clean my car while you're at it?

AnotherMomCreation said...

That's fantastic. Sounds like my car.... and I thought I was the only one who had to clean their car weekly...

Can't wait for Part 2.... ;-)

Carrie said...

You're hysterical! I was cracking up thru each step ~ it's like reading about me with a whole new author! Thanks for the mornng laughter!

Mary Beth said...

What a riot! That sounds like my entire house ... and I don't even have kids to blame it on :(

Jennifer said...

If your in-laws aren't falling over themselves in love with you, they are missing something in their circuiting. Too funny!!

flutter said...

do those steps count for horrifying your readers, too? (kidding!)

You are too funny

Anna said...

Oh god, so it isn't just me driving around in a TERRARIUM? I have my own, disgusting biosphere on wheels, and they aren't YET old enough to yell at for it yet.

I keep threatening NO SNACK in the car, but who am I kidding. That's like a ticket straight to hell for the mama.

Mrs. G. said...

I am glad to know I'm not the only woman driving around with heaps of shit under her seat...I'm pretty sure there are fries under there from 1997! Fun post.

painted maypole said...

excellent! horrified inlaws AND a clean car. perfect.

can't wait for the next installment!

Mary Alice said...

Ohhh Jen...you can take the good, quiet, and tidy Norwegians out of Minnesota, but you can't get them to relax.....did you get any kitchen tools this time? Lord knows you probably don't even own a mini spatula.

Cathy said...

Am taking notes, as I'm always looking for new ways to horrify ...

Excellent suggestions!

andi said...

Now I'm waiting for part 2!

Have you seen the Mom My Ride video? For some reason, I thought of it while reading this...

Circus Kelli said...

Excellent!

Jen M. said...

Andi - My sister-in-law just sent that video to me! too funny.

I'm debating on Part II only because they occasionally read the blog (the inlaws). So, not sure how far to push it.

secret agent said...

you don't even want to know what the inside of my vehicle looks like
I have no kids..........just a lot of dogs

great story.......I bet your inlaws adore you

Daisy said...

Sticking out of the violin case? Gotta love it. I'll look for part two!

Sexy Housewife said...

OMG! Too funny! I try and try to horrify the in-laws to no avail. I will have to try this next time!