Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Are You Listening, Dave Barry?

Dave Barry and I have a lot in common. He writes columns that make millions of Americans laugh. He’s syndicated. He’s written books. People know who this guy is.

I write things that make my husband laugh (when sex is on the horizon). I leave comments on other people’s blogs. I have earned several dozen dollars in Amazon gift cards over the course of my writing. The similarities? They are eerie. I have a call in to John Edwards (the psychic) to investigate our parallel existence.

Other bloggers have voiced their appreciation for writers they admire. I am going to do the same. Except that I will not be making a video. I considered a rap, but Dave Barry is very old and may not appreciate anything outside of Neil Diamond’s genre.

So I wrote him a letter.

Dear Dave Barry:

I have a blog, too. So why don't I have a syndicated column? Aren't you heading into retirement soon? I've been reading you since roughly the third grade, and I'm not so young anymore, so that makes you, what? Ninety?

Because I understand how compelling these words must be, I am willing to spare you the shame of begging and say, yes. Yes, I will take over your column. Look at the Abbey women. You could follow in their footsteps! Plus, I have more kids than you.

Just be sure to tell the good people over in payroll that it's Jen, not Jenn. I want to make sure the check clears before buying that Volvo.

Jen M.


Friends, fellow bloggers, lurkers: if you are reading this, I am beseeching you to send Dave Barry the following form letter, asking him to let me write his column for a day. Just cut and paste the following…

Dear Dave Barry:

I am a crazed fan of Get In The Car! and I am telling you: you’re on your way out, Old Man. Why don’t you rest your bunions and let her write your column for a day? You could garden, maybe get to those coupons, or hell, babysit some of her kids. She has enough. If you messed up and lost one due to your senility, she might not even notice.

If you do this, she has promised to split your earnings for a week among us super fans. That is a very generous thing of you to offer, and we appreciate it. Obviously, without financial compensation, we wouldn’t be writing this letter so forward.

Very Truly Yours,
Crazed Fan Number ________(please start with 46,892 as this makes me look good)

Then send it to: DaveBlog@Herald.com

p.s. Would Secret Agent shoot me an email? You won the bracelet from last Thursday's Philanthropy Thursday! Thanks, and congrats!

21 comments:

Audubon Ron said...

Yeah, I’m behind you. You go for it. I for one am sending that guy your letter. Yeah, yeah, that’s right!!!

(And also, when you get the big gig, remember us on fixed incomes and throw me bone ever once in so often and let me right, uh write, as a guest).

Amber said...

I have always thought I could do Dave Barry's job. Therefore, I believe that you could most definitely do his job!

I would also like to be a guest columnist when you get so famous that you can't do the column ALL the time anymore. Because you totally know that'll happen!

painted maypole said...

I am so sending the e-mail. seriously.

painted maypole said...

ok, the e-mail is sent. I wonder if I will get a reply. ;)

Jen M. said...

You know - I'm curious, too. I really did send him that letter - so maybe he'll reply. Hopefully not with a restraining order ;)

Karen said...

Okay...I'll send it!

-Karen

Rimarama said...

Jen M., you be crackin' my shit up left and right, but you don't need to guest host Dave Barry's stinking column to see your star rise! I am sure that will soon happen all by itself.

Rimarama said...

P.S. I'll send him the email anyway.

Sunshine said...

My Google Reader is taking forever today.
I'm a crazed fan...I admit it!

Lela said...

You'll have to have the rest of us as guest authors every so often. Just so we can bask in your glory up close.

Emily said...

I'm sending the letter as number 50,692.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.
And for the record, I'm glad he's in a wheel chair, too.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I think your plan makes perfect sense!

Good luck with that....I feel certain he will allow your request in the very near future!

Off to send my letter! :)

canape said...

That is so funny. I'll send it.

He's got to be 90. At least.

Bananas said...

Brilliant. And anyway, Dave's getting old. You ARE the newer and better version.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

My dad loved Dave Barry (I read him columns while he lay in a hospital bed, and he laughed and laughed). So, for him, I will go ahead and forward this email to Mr. Barry. Hope you get a response!

Mamma said...

Oh I'm so sending that email.

Do you think crazed fan #1,067,352 is pushing it?

slouching mom said...

You'd be great as Dave Barry's replacement! Hear that, Dave?

crazymumma said...

I'd send him a letter on your behalf but I am feeling all blinky and sniffy after reading home sweet cuckoos nest.

sigh. it got me right there you know?

Jen M. said...

You guys are awesome. I mean it. Any one of you need me to send a letter, or whatever, I am ON IT.

BOSSY said...

Oy does Bossy ever love her some Dave Barry.

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

Will you remember us when you become one of the "big" people?!