Are You Listening, Dave Barry?

Dave Barry and I have a lot in common. He writes columns that make millions of Americans laugh. He’s syndicated. He’s written books. People know who this guy is.

I write things that make my husband laugh (when sex is on the horizon). I leave comments on other people’s blogs. I have earned several dozen dollars in Amazon gift cards over the course of my writing. The similarities? They are eerie. I have a call in to John Edwards (the psychic) to investigate our parallel existence.

Other bloggers have voiced their appreciation for writers they admire. I am going to do the same. Except that I will not be making a video. I considered a rap, but Dave Barry is very old and may not appreciate anything outside of Neil Diamond’s genre.

So I wrote him a letter.

Dear Dave Barry:

I have a blog, too. So why don't I have a syndicated column? Aren't you heading into retirement soon? I've been reading you since roughly the third grade, and I'm not so young anymore, so that makes you, what? Ninety?

Because I understand how compelling these words must be, I am willing to spare you the shame of begging and say, yes. Yes, I will take over your column. Look at the Abbey women. You could follow in their footsteps! Plus, I have more kids than you.

Just be sure to tell the good people over in payroll that it's Jen, not Jenn. I want to make sure the check clears before buying that Volvo.

Jen M.


Friends, fellow bloggers, lurkers: if you are reading this, I am beseeching you to send Dave Barry the following form letter, asking him to let me write his column for a day. Just cut and paste the following…

Dear Dave Barry:

I am a crazed fan of Get In The Car! and I am telling you: you’re on your way out, Old Man. Why don’t you rest your bunions and let her write your column for a day? You could garden, maybe get to those coupons, or hell, babysit some of her kids. She has enough. If you messed up and lost one due to your senility, she might not even notice.

If you do this, she has promised to split your earnings for a week among us super fans. That is a very generous thing of you to offer, and we appreciate it. Obviously, without financial compensation, we wouldn’t be writing this letter so forward.

Very Truly Yours,
Crazed Fan Number ________(please start with 46,892 as this makes me look good)

Then send it to: DaveBlog@Herald.com

p.s. Would Secret Agent shoot me an email? You won the bracelet from last Thursday's Philanthropy Thursday! Thanks, and congrats!