Thursday, February 07, 2008


Welcome to the long-awaited (by my cousin and my best friend. Or at least my best friend) second chapter in my not-so on-going series, What Would Kelly Do?

Kelly Rippa kills me with her ability to keep herself so beautiful, work more than a full-time job, maintain a long-term marriage in a profession where two years is the "new" Golden Anniversary, and do all of this while a mother to three young kids. Amazing, ladies and gentleman (or do I have two male readers?) So when I am in times of crisis, I have to ask myself What Would Kelly Do?

Recently I received an email from one of my few single friends. She's independent, educated, beautiful, and struck out away from friends and family to pursue the career of her dreams. She's my hero. As she described to me the latest in her on-again off-again saga with a man she dates, she asked me, "Should women be the ones to call the guys?"

My dear friend. Reader and cousin: In this, the two-thousandth and eighth year after our lord's death, I tell you nay.

After all, What Would Kelly Do? For those of you who follow her host chat, as I did faithfully until my fourth child was born and then parenting events prevented me from my morning cup of coffee and Rippa, I hung on her every word.

Kelly has never, ever EVER called a man. Gird your loins, because I am about to tell you she hasn't even ever returned a telephone call to her own husband. Now that's playing hard to get. Apparently, this drives her husband nuts, but she maintains her truth and authenticity and only phones her estrogen laden comrades. The men have to be the ones to reach her.

Yesterday, while driving my kids home from school, the five of us packed like sardines in my battered Volvo, I drove over a pothole. A big one, probably caused by yet another snow plow.

As my tire popped and the car tilted to the right, my rim dangerously close to warping as I considered my options, I thought, What Would Kelly Do?

I can tell you that Kelly wouldn't drive on the rim of her flat tire to the hospital where her husband works and march upstairs to her husband's office, runny-nosed kids in tow, rumpled workout clothes steaming with post-elliptical sweat while the coiffed secretaries that guard the offices of said spouse shined in their non-snotty, non-sweaty Jones New York work ensembles.
So I heeded the voice of my inner Kelly, and instead prepared to pull over into the nearest parking lot to collect myself in a way that would make Regis proud.

As I neared the strip mall where I intended to pull in, I saw to my great horror a group of white men picketing our local Planned Parenthood. On their enormous signs were technicolor pictures of things that made my children gasp and ask me what on earth happened to those babies?

Dear reader, regardless of your position on this delicate and divisive subject, surely you can agree that children shouldn't be subjected to such horrific images?

So as my car careened to the right on my flat tire, I reached over and rolled down the window next to my daughter, who slumped down in horror as she realized what I was about to do.

Pulling up to these people WITHOUT A UTERUS OF THEIR OWN I laid my hand on the horn of my trusty mom-car and drove dangerously close to the protesters. Narrowly missing the bank of snow on the curb, road slush lapping at my Hilary for President bumper sticker, I screamed out the window, "Noooo! Boo to you! Thumbs DOWN gentlemen!" And then I drove a bit more and parked my car in the nearest grocery lot and waited to be saved by a man.

What Would Kelly Do?

Probably not that.


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Kelly would have called On-Star.

Sadly, I too know quite a bit about Kelly Ripa. Although she would never do it, she could probably lift the car out of the snowbank with those guns of hers.

As to the picketers; it is wrong for them to take your choice away from you as to what your kids see.

Anonymous said...

Well done. Kelly might not have done that, but I would have.

Madame Queen said...

Kelly probably has Triple A. BUT, she probably CAN change her own tire. And I would too unless there were three feet of snow everywhere.

As for calling a man...I used to do it. But then I wised up and realized that men really do love the chase. But I do call my husband. How else am I going to get him to start dinner before I get home?

Nancy said...

(Standing up) ::applauds you::
I cringe when I see those signs. I agree, no child's eyes should be subject to them.

The tire? Road service ... it's in my insurance premium somewhere, may as well use it.

Kelly? Not from this world. BTW, is she expecting again?

Catherine said...

But you had to CALL a man to be rescued by one, so in the world of WWKD - that's a no-no. As for what YOU did - awesome. I definitely enjoy that you took a little time out of your tragedy to set some people straight.

I'm curious, did any of them come to offer aid? If they're so interested in protecting your uterus, they should be interested in protecting the kids you already have.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Kelly would have phoned a cab, gotten the kids home, and left the car by the side of the road. I did that once, too - but I did call a tow truck first. Guys like to solve problems, you know. And a broken-down car is an eminently solvable problem for a guy.

Jennifer said...

Kelly has People to help her. Plus, millions. You? You are my hero. ** GO, YOU! **.

Just Seeking said...

Kelly has "people." People who take care of these kinds of things. Besides, she lives where it's sunny and clean and warm ALL the time. She'd never be on the side of the road with a tire broken from a snow-induced pothole.

As for your comments to the protesters? amen for you!

Mary Beth said...

I have AAA on speed-dial:)

As for the picketers, don't they have jobs? And I'm sorry, but until you push something the size of a watermelon out of your body, you shouldn't even be showing up at the party!

Jenn C. said...

I too once popped the tire of my old Volvo 240 on a gigantic pothole. I drove 5 blocks on the rim to a service station to get the tire fixed. No damage done to the rim. Volvos are tough!

Good for you to "boo" the male picketers for exposing your kids to horrific images.

kristen said...

This gave me a much needed giggle this morning. I don't know much about Kelly, but you rock.

jennifer said...

I used to love Kelly and wanted to be like her until I made the mistake of watching her while I was in labor.

Candy said...

Kelly wishes she had your cojones.

And that thing your daughter did? Slumping? Priceless. Mine do it too. They just don't appreciate me.

dawn224 said...

I just had a tiny O reading that.

Jan said...

Who cares about Kelly, you did exactly the right thing.

flutter said...

Kelly also wouldn't have snorted, coughed, hiccuped and laughed until she let out a small fart while she read this....but I did.

Joanie said...

Kelly would probably not have yelled at the picketers for fear of the media backlash, but I'm certainly glad you did. Also? Please, please bring back WWKD on a regular basis. If only I had her guiding wisdom during my dating years. (I called. A LOT. Oy.)

mek said...

Very funny, very appropriate response to the protesters - we have a group like that at the clinic that is less than one block down the street from my daughter's daycare!! If she ever gets a good look at those signs, there will be many unhappy nights in store for us.

B2G said...

This was fabulous. :)

Jennifer said...

I am SOOO proud of you for telling those men no. I am jealous and hope that I too would have the balls to do it. I agree. No matter what your stance is on pro-life/pro-choice, those signs should not be seen by young children.

and by the way, this post made me pee my pants a little bit. WWKD? LOVE IT.

Liz said...

You rock! And even though your daughter may have been embarassed, what a GREAT example you set for her.

hkeating said...

Bravo, woman! You rock. I think that was great.
And I agree with Jenn@Juggling Life, Kelly would have called On-Star.
Don't be afraid to be saved by your man and be proud to stand up for what you believe in at the same time!!!!

Julie Pippert said...


I do not need to know one more day of Kelly if she would not do any of that.

It makes me suspect she would not say "crap on a cracker," and I just can't be friends with someone like that.


Tootsie Farklepants said...

You are my new hero. Screw that Kelly chick. :)

Mollyfa said...

Yea You! What a great role model for your kids to speak your mind like that.

Esme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Esme said...

Sorry, clicked when I didn't mean to and deleted my comment!

What I wrote:

No, Kelly probably wouldn't have done that. But I would have.

Good for you!!!

Lawyer Mama said...

But see, this is why I stalk you online and not Kelly.