Every. Christmas.
By the time Bob and I had been married for two years, he had had enough. The last time we saw the Nutcracker as a married couple with no kids (oh, the blessed D.I.N.K. years) he fell asleep before Clara did and was snoring loudly by the time the Sugarplum Fairy made her appearance. I remember being so angry with him, and we had one of those fights that D.I.N.K.s have - you know, stupid fights where you argue in the taxi all the way home to no responsibilities other than your cat and we made up in the morning, after we had slept in and got ready for brunch with friends.
Excuse me while I go sob gently in the corner for a moment and carve out my uterus with a rusty knife. Oh, all the rusty knives are somewhere outside buried 'neath the tree house, you say? Damn kids.
Anyway, when the girls were little, Nutcracker time was really special for
This year, after Christmas shopping for items like night-vision goggles and duct tape, I took the girls out to The Nutcracker as is our custom.
Me: [clapping hands together] Oh, don't you girls look beautiful! Honey, take a picture!
Maddie: I am way overdressed mom. Can I wear jeans?
Chloe: I like wearing my dress mom. In fact, I love it [snarky look at sister].
Later, at the theater...
Me: [attempting to hold their hands, which keep slipping out of mine in between bouts of heavy sighing and hissed whispering of Moooom, not here, okay!] Sniff, this is just so special, girls. I want you to know I treasure these moments, where it's just the three of us, and we're having...
Maddie: Oh my God! It's Hannah and Leah! They will think I am such a dork for wearing this dress! [slinks down in seat and zips up parka over head]
Chloe: Hannah! Leah! Over here!
Me: You look beautiful! No one in this small town dresses up for anything anymore, I say let's set the bar higher, ladies!
Maddie: [muffled, under parka] I am so embarassed. This is so lame.
Chloe: Mom, Maddie has hair in her armpits.
22 comments:
OMG the shallow grave again! *snort!*
I seriously needed to laugh tonight and will be forever grateful to your girls for giving me a reason...
A shallow grave?
Duct tape and night goggles?
I want to live in your house, too.
Ho frickin' ho. I'm afraid you are going to have to lower your holiday experience expectations--they fail almost as miserably as prom night.
Thanks for the laugh--that rusty knife line is a keeper. File that one away for the novel.
omg the rusty knife....
Ah, how well I remember the DINK phase of our marriage - it was a blissful three months....
So you're saying a good time was had by all, then?
hahaaha...that was great Jen....I thought for a moment you were confused and had accidentally taken MY girls with you.
Umm, why are you wearing THAT? You can’t wear your sweatpants and USAF sweatshirt out”
“Why not? If I have to go I should at least be COMFORTABLE”
That would be my youngest….unless it is a high school ball, she wants to wear gym shorts, her Air Force sweatshirt and flip-flops. Everywhere.
Thanks for letting me know there are other girls out there embarrassed by their mother. And I don't even make my daughters dress up for the Nutcracker. Anna is just embarrassed by the way I breathe.
Love, love, LOVE this.
Maybe your boys will be better guests at the theatre. Or not.
I remember the D.I.N.K. life. We traveled. And lazed. And brunched. Sigh.
(And I'd totally be your product lab rat! I'll try anything if it makes my child damaged body look and feel better - said with tape across my temples....)
MQ and I dressed up to see The Nutcracker (her first time!) this year, too, and everyone was so casual, it made me sad.
but I love getting dressed up and making things an event.
maybe we should go together. I would hold your hand. AND wear a dress. ;)
and your title? awesome!
LOVE this. Chafing the nuts.... shallow graves, rusty knives.... all of it.....
great piece.
LOL! Noone can ever say that you didn't try. Really, really hard!
Thanks for the laugh.
Heidi :)
How funny. Very entertaining. Makes me relive some memories of my sister & I with my grandmother- always dressing us up when we visited.
I just posted about my bell ringing experience with two boys.
I am learning you have to catch those "sensitive" moments when you least expect it.
But, they will remember and it will be special, armpit hair and all.
Emily R
It made me think at a time when my mom took me to church and asked me to wear that hideous red jacket. I felt so embarrased!!! We laugh at it now, but I just hated it!!!
But I agree with you that now nobody dresses for anything... so it's good you dress them to go to see something special.
Good post! I loved it!!!
Oh, I so hear you on this one. We went to see Mama Mia and the girl next to me was wearing a "juicy" outfit with "crack" clevage and her t-back sticking out the back!! lol. Shzzzz. Of course I was just jealous that she looked so damn good.
My daughter is still too young to be embarrassed by her outfit. I do think, though, that she is too young to sit through a ballet. It's too quiet in there and I'm afraid that "Mama, I need to go poo-poo" would be loud enough to silence the orchestra! And send people to looking down their nose at me. And me pretending she isn't with me. And failing.
What is DINK? I know I should figure it out but my mommy brain won't process.
i laughed out loud several times, but i laughed loudest at chloe's last word. Ha!
OMG, this was hilarious!
Dual Income No Kids!
Every "moment" I (try to) have with my children is summed up in "armpit hair".
Gotta love those Nutcracker memories! My Hubby calls it the "Ball Buster." One year (when we were D.I.N.K.S.) he took me as a gift. I remember him leaning over to me as the show started and whispering, "So when are they gonna talk?"
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