Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Stinky Target Woman - I Curse Thee

I was just in Target, rushing around with the boys trying to get a few necessities (jumbo box of tampons being one of the necessities) before picking up the girls from school. It was well past Jack's nap/lunch time, but I was stuck, since it's an early release day.

Jack was very unhappy with the situation, and instead of using his words to indicate his displeasure (boys in my family start using their words around four, anyway) he decided it best to convey his incredibly pissy mood with a series of eardrum bursting shrieks and screams. I was already on edge (note previous reference to tampons) and had just cut the hell out of my thumb on a whiffle ball set that I was trying to beat my son into submission with placate my son with - so I threw the last couple of purchases into the cart and hot footed it to the nearest checkout.

I was second in line, and the woman who was being waited on turned and looked at me. Then her glance rested on Jack and she asked me, in a way that let me know she wasn't full of compassion for her fellow woman, "Is that him?"

I knew what she meant. But I just looked at her and forced a pleasant smile on my face, and arched my brows as if to act confused. Clearly, this irritated her.

"Is that the kid who was, uh, exercising his lungs?"

I smiled a little bigger and nodded my head. "Mmmm hmmm," I responded. I just wanted her to leave, to pay for my stuff, and get closer to home so I could put him down for a nap.

She gave me the once over - you know the classic look to assess just who it is you're about to be bitchy to - and grabbed her receipt from the cashier. "Well," she huffed, "my head is still splitting." And she marched off.

Honest to God I deserve a medal for not pushing the cart (with Jack still in it) toward her and pinning her to the ground with it so he could really give her an earful. I'm sure that some time tonight I will bolt up in bed and scream out the PERFECT RETORT in my sleep. But as is my luck, I simply froze and stared at her retreating figure and thought how very much her skirt looked like upholstery you would have found on my dead grandmother's davenport (they didn't have couches pre-1979). And how much makeup she was wearing.

So yeah, take THAT Mary Kay upholstery woman.

27 comments:

katydidnot said...

i'm a little bit ashamed to say, i'd have left the purchases there (except the whiffle ball set, because...well, just wait for it), gotten in the car, followed mary kay to her next stop, followed her inside (with jack and the whiffle ball set), once within earshot, i'd have taken the whiffle ball set away from jack so that he'd 'exercise his lungs again' for a loooong time, just for her. then i'd leave and buy jack a new Wii, or a gallon of ice cream or a whiffle ball field or something.

bitch.

Zeynep said...

My usual (and often used) responses are: "mind your own business" or "would you like to take him shopping next time to see whether you can do any better?" with the BIGGEST smile on my face.

And then I headbutt them.

jakelliesmom said...

I'm thinking perhaps if she could be so diplomatic as to couch (no pun meant) her comments in the "exercising his lungs" way, she could have, let me think, kept the rest to herself.

Nancy said...

"Is that the splitting headache like you just ate your ice cream to fast or the splitting headache like the lady with the kid in her cart just took an ax to your head? Big difference .... ya know?"

Yeah ... something like that would have spewed out of my mouth.

fairytalesandmargaritas said...

Why do people think that public places are their own personal safe havens? For God's sake, if you want peace and quiet go to the spa!

Becky said...

Oh no she did not!

You are truly a saint. I think I would have gone totally postal on her. ooooo - that reminds me of something similar that happened to me - I'm gonna write about right now. Cause I'm mad all over again.

Rima said...

My blood started boiling over just reading this post. And I so get the feeling of not having an immediate comeback in a situation like that. I would have been rehearsing them in the car all the way home. I mean, seriously - it's freakin' Tar-Jay, not the library.

KathyLikesPink said...

I have been the victim of "hit and run" comments about my mothering skills or my child. Being a nice person myself, it always surprises the heck out of me and they are LONG GONE before I think of all the right come-backs. Unfortunatley I then give myself a headache by stewing over the situation for a while.

Hang in there!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

"We can only hope" is the only thing I can come up with in response.

I got a pencil-thin, fake smile from the old lady when my son started touching everything in the check out line. Her smile insured that I didn't try to stop him. Passive-aggressive and all.

Jennifer H said...

"Your head? YOUR head is splitting? Listen, lady, I don't know what kinda Quiet World you come from, but I live with noise like that 24 friggin'7. Do ya have kids? No? Couldn't find a man who wanted to procreate with you? Big surprise."

That would have been my internal dialogue. But I probably would have just let her walk out the door, too.

liv said...

seriously, my kid screamed about 60% of the time until he was 3. bloody awful.

i hate that woman. i would have stepped up and smacked her. with my box of tampons.

cyndy said...

I have a bad habit of talking first and thinking about it later. I'd have probably said, Ohh cool, maybe it's an aneurysm!
You truly do deserve a medal.

Madame Queen said...

You should have used the retort my husband gives me anytime I say I have a headache "Well, if my head looked like that it would split, too!"

Circus Kelli said...

Wow. People sure are FUN, aren't they?!

painted maypole said...

you could have said "excellent. my mission has been accomplished."

Lisse said...

Hmm. I kinda like the idea of throwing the box of tampons at her head.


And I love the word davenport. My grandparents had one too.

Chickenbells said...

Gosh lady...you mean like the way you're exercising your lungs right now by being nasty?!

Ugh. What is it with people in Target? I once watched a lady flip out and start yelling at a cashier because she was asked to show her ID for the check she wrote...she looked at me for confirmation for her foul mood, and I looked dead serious into her eyes and said, "Get. A. Grip. Lady."

Cate said...

Honestly, what is with people sometimes? It's like they forgot what it was like to have a kid. It always amazes me that most of the "looks" come from other parents themselves. Ridiculous.

Sunshine said...

I pink puffy heart you, you said DAVENPORT! I thought my grandma was the only person in the universe who had a davenport.

*sniff*

BipolarLawyerCook said...

A pox upon her over-upholstered house, by this here post. : )

Magpie said...

What a stinker. Why do people like that exist?

Flutterby said...

I commend you for your restraint in front of your children. I, however, usually get to shop Target alone. And when I come across Really Rude Snotty People? I usually have no problem letting them know how rude and snotty they are. Hub says someone is going to shoot me one of these days. He's probably right. But at least I know I will go down fighting for the nice side of life.

dawn224 said...

oh my. I was formulating a reply, but katydidnot is brilliant and I just can't compete.

ekbetsy said...

Oooh, I HATE nasty mean people! I'll admit that a screaming child in a store isn't my favorite thing either, but at least I have the decency to feel sorry for the mother.

I'm with the others. You should have beaten her with your tampons.

Beth said...

What a witch! I hope when I am old as the hills, I can still remember what it was like to have a cranky baby. I hope I never ever treat another woman/mother like that.

Kuddos to you for ignoring her and not stooping to her level.

Anna said...

Too bad you couldn't have figured out a way to accidentally get some of the post-crying snot that Jack probably had on his face onto her upholstered skirt. That would have been better than any retort!

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