Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Uber Mom

I hate it when you realize that you're not going to have it all. I still harbor the belief that if I just get enough energy I could be this woman:

Rises at five for meditation, jog, and house cleaning. Return home from run, start home cooked breakfast, listen to NPR, and watch as smiling, beatific children tumble down to breakfast. Smile to myself as they make jokes about how their science project is going to beat out Bobby's next door. After all, they worked so hard on it these past weeks. Glow visibly as Bob enters kitchen, try to contain sexual arousal at man who has been able to turn me on for the past nineteen years. Hand him his coffee as he places his arm around my tiny waist (the one that hasn't changed a bit! after birthing four babies) and shudder with delight as he slips his other hand around my back and covertly places a one of a kind 1920s art deco jade necklace around my neck that he found at an estate sale while on a business trip. Giggle, since he does this every Tuesday!

See the children off to school, return home to tidy up, but everything is already so clean, fresh, and right out of an Ethan Allen showcase it seems almost silly to tamper with perfection. Retire to office to work on second book in negotiated Random House bookdeal while 21 month old son plays cherubically at my feet.

After several productive hours of working, gather cheery son and go to school, where I pull up into parking space with my name on it. It's the safest space on the lot, and the plaque reads, "For all of Your Hard Work and Selfless Dedication, Jen M."

Pick up happy children who keep interrupting each other to tell me how much they missed me, how many As they got that day, and how they want to stop off at the local shelter before we go home and give their allowance to the homeless. We do, and for a reward, I take my debit card and treat them to a shopping trip with no worries about the amount I spent. I even treat myself to three size two Diane Von Faustenberg wrap dresses.

Return home to see that the chef has already prepared the savory, delectable, calorie-free dinner and the wine is already corked. Sigh happily and take in the glory that is just another day.

If only I was a morning person, all of this would be mine.

28 comments:

Becky said...

Wow! Don't I WISH! Take everything in that essay, make it the complete antithesis, and it would sound like my mornings. I am SO jealous of you! ;)

liv said...

wow. thanks for rubbing it in. i am so not a morning person!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

All this could be mine if only I woke up earlier? Not going to happen.

dkuroiwa said...

Did someone put a little "something extra" in her coffee this morning?
If so...where did you get it? I wanna look at my life like that too...if even for a little bit!!

Don Mills Diva said...

Why, were you in Don Mills yesterday? That sounds exactly like my day...

heather said...

I knew I shouldn't have hit the snooze button this morning!! Now my day will be nothing like that...damn.

Nancy said...

I'll have what ever drug your taking =)

Memphislis said...

Um, mine would start out more like "Rise at five for medication" instead of meditation.

Dana said...

Sorry husband/baby/dogs, Mama has to go to bed right now...gotta get an early start for tomorrow!

Mary Beth said...

Okay so where's she hiding the 7 determined little men working day and night for her?

Bogart in P Towne said...

Not as much fun as you would think

jakelliesmom said...

So if you can do all that in one day, what happens the next day.

I'm a morning person, but maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

I want to know if anyone does live like this, so I can stalk her and learn her secrets (or something).

painted maypole said...

wow. just today i was having my own mini "if only i was a morning person" fantasy. not nearly as fabulous as yours, though.

Jen @ J&J Acres said...

I've always had the 'if only I was a morning person' fantasies.

I picture myself getting up while it's still dark out to run or workout. Then I realize I love to sleep.

Sigh.

Mary Alice said...

okay, I AM a morning person and I haven't attained this. What am I doing wrong?

Lauren M said...

hahaha! Well, don't feel too bad. You are still much admired by me and my roommate. We're about to graduate college and both of us are on the brink of marraige (altho kids are a few years away yet!!). I came across your blog last spring and have read it from beginning to end. I love your writing style and your stories are hilarious! Just the other day my roommate and I were at dinner talking about your blog saying "Remember the one where..." and "did you read when..." and hoping that we can both achieve your amazing ability to constantly smile at everything life throws at you and not get hit in the head!
Also, I'm glad I now know what not to expect because I am definitely NOT a morning person either!

Joanie said...

Wait....you're saying that if I get up earlier I can have calorie-free dinner? With wine?
Setting alarm....

Beck said...

What? Is your life not like that? Because that is EXACTLY mine, I say, tossing my equisite auburn hair aside effortlessly.

crazymumma said...

I am SO that woman!

snark snark

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I'd settle for size 6.

Sunshine said...

I want to live in your dream world, but it would only work if school started at 10AM because I'm not a morning person either.

Sass E-mum said...

Ha ha. Morning people. They are almost as funny as the little sticky thin women.

Sorry. I was having a bitter moment.

bermudabluez said...

Uh...yeah...you and me both! I never rise til noon. Ever. Oh and congratulations on becoming a Stepford Wife!!

Doug said...

At this point I'd settle for not standing at the kitchen island eating a sandwich. I remember as a kid having a sit down dinner with the entire family....EVERY night of the week. That happens maybe once a week in our house.

Domestically Challenged said...

Wahahahahahah! What are you on?

I'd settle for any one thing on your list!

PS: DVF in ANY size - thanks!!!!

andi said...

I'm convinced I'll never be a morning person, so ya, this will never be my life either. I keep telling myself it would be boring if it were that perfect, that I like all the crazy messiness of it. Sometimes I even believe myself.

Rony said...

Wtf? I'm a morning person (5:15am0 and have yet to achieve this!! What am I doing wrong?? lol...

my minivan is faster than yours said...

I'm technically going to be a morning person in three minutes when the clock strikes midnight, but really all I'm going to get tomorrow is a big, "I told you so" from the love of my life when I complain I'm too tired to live.

Jen M., you are one funny mama!!