Monday, April 07, 2008

Drag Queens and the PTA, or, How to Embarass Your Children, Part II

In order to give the sagging sales for our school's spring gala a boost, my fellow PTA buddy, Kristi, and I decided that we needed to get out there and hawk tickets ourselves. It's going to be a dressy affair, so we decided it was best to get to the school early in the morning in full length gowns, tiaras, gloves, and jewels and ask each parent in person to RSVP for our upcoming event.

Yes, I am that scary manic volunteering PTA mom you try and avoid. In fact, many parents took one look at us and immediately did a pivot in their efforts not be accosted by the wild-eyed mommies in evening wear. I don't get those parents. How else are they going to find their self-worth if they don't volunteer crazy hours and martyr themselves over the fact that they are the only class parent who remembered to bring in muffins on testing day? And don't give me that whole "inner value" and "self-esteem" hooey. It's all about the hours you log, baby.

Our plan worked, and we managed to pull in an extra $600 in sales that morning. Even better? My daughters melted into the floorboards of the car as I pulled up to the school looking like a drag queen who hadn't had her coffee yet. In order to get everyone out the door and ready that morning and to the school extra early, I had to forego the morning shower. Which is always a nice touch when donning a bright red ballgown.

Their humiliation, shame, and personal agony was delightfully apparent as I sashayed around the school grounds in my slightly rumpled finery. I watched as my seventh grader slinked across campus, pretending to be oblivious to my calls of Have a maaaahvelous day, dahling!

My fifth grader refused to kiss me goodbye so I made sure to blow her plenty of air kisses as she practically slithered on the ground to her classroom.

My kindergartener, a total sexist by nature, gave me a big kiss and a hug and told me, "I like it best when you dress this way, Mama." Yeah, total chauvenist pig in the making. He also likes my hair down, not up, and if I cook his mac and cheese in heels? He asks for seconds.
My toddler was rather non-plussed, save for the fact that my low-cut dress did remind him of his nursing days. Given the amount of teeth in the kid's mouth I wisely kept my distance and stuck him in the car with a movie while I made my rounds. Mother of the Year award here I come!

Ahh, motherhood. Who said there weren't benefits?

42 comments:

Crystal said...

Fantastic! I love it. I am ready to RSVP right now and we don't even go to your school.

Nancy said...

I *heart* you Jen!

Totally cool idea to get the PTA fund raiser going and best idea to make your kids cringe!

Move over "Carrie" Jen and Kristi are rockin' the tiaras!

Sass E-mum said...

Good grief. That's a scarey thing to do so early in the day. Nice touch that you didn't manage a shower first.

That's really above and beyond the call of duty.

Sass E-mum said...

Good grief. That's a scarey thing to do so early in the day. Nice touch that you didn't manage a shower first.

That's really above and beyond the call of duty.

Bogart in P Towne said...

"if I cook his mac and cheese in heels? He asks for seconds."

Wow. Just wow.

andi said...

That's hilarious. I can hardly wait until my kids are at school so I can reap some of these parenting benefits of which you speak.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I like your style. And it's good for your preteen to know that you are not afraid to embarrass her. That will come in useful.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Fond memories of my days as an uber-volunteer and the time my friends and I did the YMCA dance for all the Girl Scouts in our service unit. My daughter still has nightmares about it!

dkuroiwa said...

I am taking notes on stuff like this!! So very cool...and what a great idea!!! Heels, evening gown, tiara and no shower in the morning...what a woman!!
My good friend, who is the mother of a 17 year-old young man, said that he has done so many things in his short life that just embarrassed the crap out of her...it's payback time!!! I have a whole notebook of stuff from her!!!
"Embarrassing my children...just part of the fun of parenthood."

jakelliesmom said...

I think the tiaras are an especially nice touch. And seriously, seriously, would your kids rather you be involved or absent in their school life? I'm going to bet (not a lot) that they secretly loved it.

jen said...

i love this kind of balls out approach.

cyndy said...

I love it!!!!

Sunshine said...

If I did that (and I'm thinking of saving that move for my own volunteer mom arsenal!)

-6th grade son would be mortified
-3rd grade son would think it's equally fascinating and mental
-Kindergarten daughter would be impressed and wish I dressed like that daily
-Preschool daughter would like it and immediately demand that I make her a sandwich

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Totally amazingly awesome. I just love the reactions of your kids. And, shower or no shower, you look great!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Totally amazingly awesome. I just love the reactions of your kids. And, shower or no shower, you look great!

Biddy said...

aaaaaaaaaahahahahhaa

i LOVE it!!

Beck said...

If my school's parent association did things like that, I WOULD JOIN.

flutter said...

You are adorable.

Emily said...

Awesome!

I'm always looking for new and humiliating ways to make the kids cringe.

Ball gowns and yesterday's hair oughta do it! Thanks!

Molly said...

What a great idea! I bet all the other kids thought you guys were too cool.

Scott-O-Rama said...

What's wrong with what you wore? I wear something like that to work most days.

Michelle said...

You are too funny... I am sure if I saw you at our school I might bow and kiss your hand. Way to do it right!

Kellan said...

How fun and so glad to hear that you made $600 more for your efforts - very good!!!

Nice to see you - have a good evening - Kellan

imbeingheldhostage said...

That blogger trip must've been good for you-- this post is in fine form today... I nominated you over at David McMahon's place.

jennifer said...

I wanna join YOUR PTA!

mjd said...

Indeed, you are up for the Mother of the Year Award. Seventh graders are never ready for moms to show up at school even in regular mom clothes.

Jennifer said...

Above and beyond, girl. You rock.

jennifer h said...

You rocked that look, shower or no shower. Bonus points for embarrassing your kids!

Well done. I would have bought tickets.

Mamma said...

Holy crap! I love you woman!!

My kids all know that it is my job as their mother to embarrass them. I thought I was good, but this?? A whole other level...

bermudabluez said...

Damn....you look that good without a morning shower. You ROCK that whole drag queen look!! I LOVE it!

Jan said...

All out effort for a good cause. Great post.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I might do that someday for absolutely no reason at all!

Chilihead said...

Here via sk*rt. Hilarious!

KC said...

You are beautiful! I would so buy tickets from you. (I would also so dress up too)

Diane "Torka" Aull said...

What's the point of having children if you can't embarrass them? Well played, m'lady, well played indeed.

Ali said...

hahahah :) awesome!

painted maypole said...

i would have joined you - i look for any excuse to put on the fancy dresses in my closet! :)

liv said...

oh, i would have been the mom fetching you a starbucks and howling with laughter at you.

Daisy said...

I love it! I knew a mom who would come into class dressed as the tooth fairy. She was a dental assistant. We loved her; her children weren't so sure.

The Southern Mom said...

And your kids probably think this is the worst you can do?...Little do they know our work is never done! Rock on!

Jan, San Francisco, CA said...

Oh, dear God...I just laughed and laughed! "My toddler was rather non-plussed, save for the fact that my low-cut dress did remind him of his nursing days. Given the amount of teeth in the kid's mouth I wisely kept my distance and stuck him in the car with a movie while I made my rounds." Oh, too much!! Really enjoying my first-time visit to your blog (from Bossy's mention).

Jen M. said...

Krisit and I wish you were all on our PTA, too. We could use people like you guys!