The following was cut and pasted from an email exchange with an old and dear friend of mine from high school. She happens to be single, I happen to be a happy woman who has been married for nearly all of her adult life. I realize, I am jaded. You, of course, realize that this is just a list for God's sake. Just another list on another mommy blog. So don't get too worked up. BUT if you have something to add, please add it.
1. Men want to be mothered.
2. By a slut. A cheerleader slut.
3. But you can't be a slut in public or during the day.
4. During the day you are:
a. attractive
b. wholesome
c. domestic
d. intelligent, yet under the radar with your observations
e. witty, and same caveat as "d"
f. well-groomed (which should look "natural and effortless" yet require massive work unbeknownst to them)
g. Happy
h. low-maintenance
i. Excited to see them under any circumstances
j. horny
k. ambitious yet not competitive, ready to happily subvert your goals should a conflict arise
l. willing to make it all about them
m. a good listener (see "l")
5. In private, during the evening you are:
a. horny
b. all about them
c. funny
d. domestic
e. horny
f. You have been waiting ALL day to give them a blow job. In fact, it's all you thought about.
6. Oh, and you were really, really hard to get and many other men wanted you. Men need to hunt.
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About Me
- Jen
- Mother of five. Two girls - three boys. Fully understand why some animals eat their young. Love kids dearly but am often at a loss as to how to wade the murky waters of female adolescence. I'm an American girl living in Abu Dhabi while my husband works here for a bit. This makes the teenage thing EVEN BETTER.
33 comments:
Well, I'll buy the horny part :) :)
You should definitely add, "If he has idea on how to decorate your new house, whatever you do, don't offer up your opinion, ESPECIALLY if it contradicts his. He will think it is a direct attempt to thwart his desires and not simply a statement of YOUR opinion."
That all actually does apply to me quite a bit, except for the horny thing, the blow job thing, and the willingness to make it all about him thing. Not happening!
Bwahahahahahaha!!
You should never be tired, sick, or sick and tired. For him, the thought that you aren't going to whip up a delicious dinner could send him into a panic... which of course can only be calmed by sex.
Thanks for reminding me why I need to get the heck out of the house this evening and go to my yoga class without worrying who needs me when. I'm exhausted just reading that list.
Hahahahahaha.... I'm doomed.
Shhh...you don't want THEM to know we have them figured them out. ;)
On the flip side, I imagine the "what women want" list could be equally as snarky.
I have said many times in the past 33 years of not being single, "You couldn't pay me a million bucks to be single". Me and the Hub are pretty laid-back.
Dude. You have just written THEE manual.
Nailed. it!
so how did you get the handbook? I thought that required some kind of secret hand shake or something....
::: forehead slap :::
So THAT'S all what I have been doing wrong!
*wink*
amen.
They also expect the highest praise for doing the tiniest task even if it makes a huge mess for us.
For example, they will make the kids breakfast. Great, right? but they will use every friggin' bowl, dish, pan, pot, towel, glass and spoon in the process and leave the mess behind. Then they get pissy if we don't thank them profusely for doing "our" job of feeding the kids.
Ooh the praise element. Of course. We must praise them lavishly for doing anything around the house - much like a puppy going potty outside on command.
I realize it sounds like I hate men with this list. Not at all. Just have their number, that's all.
Well that seems easy enough;)
Very thankful for my husband right about now!
Seriously. All of it.
They also want you to say it's no problem at all if they plan three motorcycle trips (leaving you home alone with the kids) for the summer.
Yeah men. Men.
LMAO. Good list.
I mentioned the BJ part to my husband and his reply, "Well, YEAH..."
Hil-arious!
Don't forget ... The Nurse - for when they have man flu / Ebola etc.
Can I ask, when did this bj thing become de rigeur?
I mean, I'm 47 and not a prude, but that just wasn't something women were expected to do all the time when I was dating and got married back in the Dark Ages of the 1980's. Now, I hear it all the time. Maybe people just talk about it more. Its like, "Oh yeah, well I made the kids & hubby dinner, cleaned the kitchen, bathed the kids, gave hubby a bj, and then went downstairs to finish my knitting before bed."
Sometime I think women might have gotten the bad end of the deal in the 'sexual revolution'.
Are you sure you listed the "be ready and horny at any given point" enough times, because that's REALLY important:)
Dkaz - I KNOW. I got married in the early nineties and by then it just seemed pretty standard. It's knitting that is kind of "out there."
;)
gospel truth, I tell you
Hi. Came across your blog from Rony's. Am home sick today....have literally read dozens and dozens and dozens of blogs throughout the day. Did I mention I'm also feeling a bit blue 'cause I'm sick? Well, your blog is the first one all day that's made come close to cracking a smile. I like your writing style...you are funny and smart.
Feeling a bit more cheered now,
Cindy
I want to add - possibly because I've dated a lot of geeks - be fascinated with their video games, but not so fascinated that you can actually beat them.
Other than that, great list!
* wiping the tears*
That is DAMN FUNNY! I think I'll save that for my daughter (age 3) and tuck it away in the scrapbook with a note "Open on your 15th birthday"
*and hope that's not too soon or worse, too late
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