Sunday, September 23, 2007

Rejected

Dear Jen M:

Thank you for your recent interest in Playboy. We appreciate your photo essay submission, cover letter and video (returned; please see enclosure).

As you can imagine, we receive thousands of submissions from Bunny hopefuls like yourself each and every month. While we would love to photograph all of the lovely ladies that come to us, you can understand that we have a business to run, and certain things sell to certain demographics.

To save you the time, energy, and shipping bill in the future, perhaps it would behoove you to familiarize yourself with who, exactly, Playboy caters to. Heterosexual men of all ages read our magazine, Jen M. However, these men have a very specific age group they are willing to see naked, as long as they're paying $7.95 an issue. We thank you for your suggestion to look at 35 as the new 25, but as much as airbrushing technology has advanced in recent years, there is only so much we can do. As it stands, we consider 25 to be well past Bunny prime.

Playboy readers like viewing youthful young ladies with large breasts that rest somewhere just below the collar bone. Unfortunately, you do not meet our cutoff, although we also duly noted your suggestion to consider the belly button "the new resting place for hot mammaries." While we also appreciated your suggestion to run your photo spread in the spring issue, "With seersucker suits to coordinate with the seersucker belly syndrome that is hand in hand with the birthing of four children" we do not typically run our men's fashion spreads in conjunction with our Bunny layouts. Those are two separate areas of each issue of Playboy, namely in that one features naked girls and the other features fully clothed men in expensive and trendy clothing. That they might get naked girls with.

Furthermore, we stopped showing unshaved pubic regions in 1977. Today's Bunny favors a clean panty line, with perhaps a small strip of neatly coifed hair not to exceed 3/4 of an inch in length and 1/8 of an inch in diameter. Notably, your essay depicting your likes and dislikes is not in tandem with our typical Bunny. Our Bunnies like long walks on the beach at sunset, men that make them laugh, and soft fluffy kittens. While interesting to some of our editorial staff, we could not possibly print that you enjoy using the restroom by yourself, shopping for personal grooming items in the Sears Home and Garden Department, and drinking yourself into a stupor after assisting with seventh grade math. You understand that "Prolific Breeder" is a liability in our line of work, and not something our Bunnies list under "Awards and Achievements."

Lastly, while we see where you were going with your photo spread dedicated to Bill Maher and "all the other misogynistic asshats," under no circumstances would Mr. Hefner approve a photo spread featuring "naked women cavorting in a hayloft with Medela 2000 Breast Pumps attached to their money makers." Besides, Bill Maher happens to be a close and personal friend of Mr. Hefner.

Very Truly Yours,
Pictorial Staff
Playboy Magazine

This post was a part of Painted Maypole's Monday Mission, wherein we had to write a post in the form of a rejection letter. To join in, write your own and let Painted Mayple know.

49 comments:

Dorky Dad said...

That is absolutely hilarious. It's doubly hilarious because I got THE EXACT SAME LETTER LAST MONTH!

Must be a form letter ...

BetteJo said...

I LOVE this! Hysterical!

Kimmykay said...

Oh, My, I'm dying right now. Thanks for the late night laugh. The boob positions got me. LOL. I've thought about taping them.

Robin said...

Bwahahahahaha!

Mr. Fabulous said...

You are still gonna pose for ME though, right?

Nancy said...

I love it!!

Great Monday morning post!

Mary Alice said...

oh holy mammaries....THAT was inspired sister and just continues to feed my theory that Bill Mayer can only associate breasts in the context of pornography....maybe it isn’t that our boy Billy enjoys his “freedom” from marriage, so much as the fact that he finds “real” women not nearly as titillating as those in the airbrushed pages of his Hustler mag....unless of course the women are breast feeding and then he automatically thinks masturbation. Hummm.... me thinks he has a lot of experience in that area.

slouching mom said...

That was inspired! AWESOME! Funniest thing I've read in awhile.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh God, the line about you in a hayloft with a breast pump almost made me spit coffee all over my keyboard! Hilarious!

Circus Kelli said...

Dude... that IS a form letter. The age was different on the one I received (older), the number of kids was fewer (only by one) and the letter I received didn't have the part about Bill Maher in it. Wanna know something funny, though? From my desk at work, I can see the MEDELA BUILDING. Seriously. :)

This is a seriously funny, funny post. :)

Sophie's Mom said...

ROFL! Clever...

dawn224 said...

Inspired. I love this!

painted maypole said...

i am laughing out loud, and shamed at my lame entry. Yours rocks! Very, very funny (and unfortunately, way too much truth in it!)

Rimarama said...

There were so many awesome lines in there, I don't even know which one to highlight.

Brilliant!

andi said...

Now that was hysterical! I loved the part about them not showing unshaved pubic regions since 1977.

Anna said...

HILARIOUS. Me and my Medela would sell out the issue, I'm telling you.

Orangeblossoms said...

Loved it.... just loved it.

Jennifer said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! Hee!

theflyingmum said...

That was hillarious! Totally Playboy's loss.

BOSSY said...

At least "they" humored you with a reply. Bossy's Playboy Rejection Letter would go a little like, "Yeah right."

Mommy off the Record said...

OMG, you crack me up! Thanks for sharing this letter. Now I know I shouldn't apply to be a bunny either. LOL

Emily said...

OK, that just rocked.

pinks & blues girls said...

This is great! You (I mean, the pictorial staff at Playboy) are such a fabulous writer!

Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls

Kristi B. said...

At least you got an explanation. My rejection letter just said, "LOL."
I guess the new forty is the old sixty?
Sigh.

Audubon Ron said...

You wouldn’t be willing to share a few of those shots now would’ya? I’m just say’in. Hey and who is Hefner and Playboy? Never meant anything to me, I’m not a user. There comes a point when a guy reaches a certain age and says, "Damn, that looks just like my neighbor's daughter." Then you feel bad for your neighbor.

To show where I'm at, I'm still a Faye Dunaway fan. I always say, "Faye, babe, never change."

T with Honey said...

35 is NOT the new 25? Oh, my dreams of being a bunny are forever dashed!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You are so freakin witty and creative! Loved it!

Christine said...

dude--this was hilarious!

and maher IS an asshat.

Lela said...

I totally can NOT believe the belly button is not the new collar bone! Come on Hugh, progress is a good thing!!!
Rofl!!

crazymumma said...

I am laughing so damn hard!

I'll send them a pic of a 45 year old body!

Oh haha. That was brilliant!

Emily said...

"misogynistic asshats"

Hahahaha.

Playboy may not be interested, but there has to be some magazine out there catering to some twisted corner of society that enjoys "seersucker" bellies.

alejna said...

This was briliant. Hilarious. Truly inspired.

I was particularly amused by the bit about "large breasts that rest somewhere just below the collar bone," and am sorry to hear that those folks tossed out your suggestion for the belly button as "resting place."

Audubon Ron said...

Monday Mission answered.

AnotherMomCreation said...

That was hilarious.

If only I could view my self as humorously as that.

Nice work!

Magpie said...

LOL! The image of the many ladies cavorting whilst hooked up to the Medelas is priceless.

Kian said...

bwahahahahahaha!

MommyMommy said...

excellent post!!!

MadMad said...

OMG! I actually choked (always eating, I am!) at the first paragraph; laughed myself silly for the rest. This was awesome. And some more awesome! I'm gonna go read it again.

secret agent said...

freakin hysterical

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

So, if I understand clearly I'm not a candidate at ummmmm ,errr, well fffforty something?! I should not send in my fotos? Here I thought they could work wonders with an air brush.

Salome's Mom said...

That is the funniest thing I have read. I am laughing my ass off.

kara said...

funniest thing ever! Love it.

Amy said...

This is so hilarious!!

creative-type dad said...

OMG!! That's the BEST rejection letter ever.

bubandpie said...

Brilliant.

Mamma said...

How did I miss this the first time around??!!!

You woman are hysterical!!!

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Not sure how I missed this originally, but thanks to Andi (Poot and Cubby), I didn't miss it for good!

Hilarious!

Suburban Oblivion said...

How funny!! Great job!!!!

moosh in indy. said...

OH GIRL.
I'm bawling.
It's delicious!