Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Cajones? Bologna!

It was the perfect moment. I was in traffic today when suddenly a truck pulled in front of me on the off ramp of the interstate. It was my Big Daddy. The elusive fish that every fisherman sees once in his or her life, but can never catch. Or, has caught and it got away, with no proof of its existence.


My Big Daddy happens to be the most obnoxious truck in town. This is saying quite a bit, as I live in a town resplendent with large quad-cab, V-8, dualie trucks. Bumper stickers in the form of boys peeing on things, or instructing me to continue honking, as they're reloading their firearms abound. I am reminded that these drivers do not like Fat Chicks, and that their buddies should "Ditch the Bitch and Go Huntin.'" Because huntin' is far more virile a sport than simply hunting, you know.

I have often observed to my husband that men drive these things to compensate for various (ahem) shortcomings. He argues differently. He explains that we live in the mountains, people have livestock out here, you can't haul hay in a Saab, Jen. Uh, huh.


But today, God was smiling down at me, because I happened to have a camera in my car and was able to access it while behind the evidence of a certain species I would like to call phallus tinius automotivi. Yes, God was smiling, and boy does she have a great sense of humor.


Notice, if you will, the appendages hanging below the bumper. Do you see them? The scrotum? Perhaps the website, affixed to the window of the truck, might aid you some more. It is http://www.bullsballs.com/

Ladies, I am taking up a collection. I would like to manufacture a resyn or latex prototype for a set of mudflaps I would like to sell. They come in the shape of labia, and are excellent at keeping debris from your tires. If you act now and are one of the first twenty buyers? I will throw in a bush floor mat for free.

36 comments:

Sophie's Mom said...

Oh man... you're crazy! But would they fit on my minivan? Yeah for you having your camera ready to go! A girl after my own heart! We might not have believed you, after all.

painted maypole said...

wy, why, why would anyone want to hang something that looks like testicles from their truck?!? Why???!!!?? I've seen these around here (and I don't live in the mountains!) and have hoped that they were something else. But no, you have proved my worst suspicions true. People spend money to suspend fake testicles from their very expensive and large symbol of masculinity (their truck). It is sad. And gross. Just gross.

But the picture? Priceless.

painted maypole said...

by the way, I gave you an award over at my place. :)

Blue Momma said...

That's hilarious! I'm surprised he's getting away with it though. I'd think it would soon go the way of those Shit Happens bumper stickers.

But yes, terribly ballsy!

Kristi B. said...

OMG! I have seen these before too. What exactly are these idiots trying to say?!?! errrrr!

Sweetass RSA said...

it's disgusting!...we have the same thing here in south africa...one of our rugby teams is called the blue bulls...so the balls are a bright blue variation proclaiming to all the world that they are blue bulls supporters...i am so relieved that our men are not the only idiots using those...i love you vajayjay idea..hahahaha

The Cube Monkey said...

mother...of...god...

Nancy said...

Bwahahahaha .... and the personalized license plate "hangin" ... only a guy would get it.

I know his company must be selling ball-hitches but what? They can't come up with something more "road friendly"?

Glad you had your camera though, lol

Anna said...

Are they seriously supposed to be testicles? OY!

Mrs. Chicken said...

ahahahahaha! sovfunny!

Marmite Breath said...

OMG, Labia mudflaps!!!!!! I'm dying here!

I may be a horrible mother, but now my daughter (9) says, "That man must have a very small willy" when someone roars past with their muffler off and their stereo banging. I'm not proud of it, but I bet the truck driver's mother isn't very proud of him either.

Katrina said...

LMAO! My niece's momma's new hubby has some flesh colored ones on his truck. It ain't right. And I'd love some mud flaps for my rock-n-roll minivan.

dawn224 said...

snort snort. LOVE it.

(Is there a gun rack? I can't tell...)

Robin said...

Now THAT is what's missing from my car!!

phallus tinius automovi - LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!

Oh, The Joys said...

Wow. You are a serious entrepreneur! Automotive labia!

T with Honey said...

I would never have believed that someone would really put this on their truck if you didn't have the picture. But anymore I guess anything goes!

In addition to labia mudflaps we could sell silicon "racks" as front bumper protectors. What do you think?

andi said...

I'm dying of laughter because I can so sadly relate. I'm so happy someone else lives somewhere filled with these Neanderthals with truck balls. I mean seriously - is there anything else that can scream overcompensation for small man parts?

Oh,and who says you can't haul hay with a SAAB? I for one am willing to give it a try...

Beck said...

I have yet to see those in person, THANK GOD.

Cathy said...

Hey! I didn't know you lived in Arkansas, home of the Man Truck.

(Actually, this beats anything I've ever seen here. I'm speechless.)

PeetSwea said...

Yay! Twentieth commenter, so I'm in under the wire. We have a lot of the hanging scrotii (scrotums? scrotuses?) in our neck of the woods too. I'm dreading the day when I have to explain them to my 2 year old. Ugh. I think that you have a stellar concept in the works though - count me in!

Audubon Ron said...

Testosterone Weighs In:

It might come as a complete surprise to you but I have truck testicles hanging from my truck. I also have a baby doll with a screaming face cross tied to the grill of my truck, as if to say, if I don’t stop in time, the baby gets it.

NOT!!!

C-mon Jen, everybody knows girls secretly like that stuff. All guys also know girls like getting a blender for Xmas.

Tee said...

LOL! You have no idea how much I absolutely *hate* those things. They're so ugly. I'm not a violent person but it's so hard to resist the urge to castrate the pickup trucks at Wal-Mart. It really is.

Lawyer Mama said...

Oh my. I have a picture of those annoying things up on my blog today too! Great minds think alike.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I've posted about these heinous truck accessories before! Aren't they the WORST IDEA ever!

mjd said...

He,he Jen, you and I both posted pictures of trucks today. Congratulations on winning the Celebrity Look Alike Contest.

crazymumma said...

He is going to get SO many hits on his website!

Orangeblossoms said...

saw one of those the other day, too. Freakish. BTW, I'll take the labia mudflaps.... You know, just because.....

ablondeblogger said...

I saw those on the road for the first time a couple of months ago! And my jaw dropped to the ground and I was like, "Is that what I think it is!"

I wanted to make ones in the shape of boobies and sell them to put in the front bumper, and call them "bumper boobies" LOL.

Dorky Dad said...

There are good reasons to have a truck. Very good ones. As a former truck owner, I can attest to that.

There are NO GOOD REASONS WHATSOEVER to hang balls from your truck. It's not right.

Mr. Fabulous said...

THAT is an awesome idea!

My boss has truck testicles. Aside from that he seems to be a normal person.

MommyMommy said...

I have heard about those...

yet I have never actually seen them. Definatly only something a man would think of.

Bananas said...

Will wonders never cease! The car testies... HORRIFYING~!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Could someone please neuter that truck???? Too funny!

secret agent said...

OMG that truck is hysterical

so... I didn't know we live in the same town. We must get together.... it's so entertaining sitting on my front porch
all these creatures driving by

Mat said...

Be thankful the driver wasn't Italian. If he were there'd be a hand cupping that scrotum, fondling them.

;)

Victoria said...

I once saw those on a baby blue Dodge Caravan. Seriously.

Nice pic!