Thursday, July 19, 2007

WWKD?

Welcome to the newest section of my blog, wherein I discuss many pertinent, thoughtful topics as a way of procrastinating and avoiding the task of packing up my home by next weekend. I have found, in my warm embrace of Putting Off Important Things To Do, that there is so much I need to think about. So much I can ponder, things that are so deep that I need to take yet another break from constructing a packing box. So welcome to my first piece in the series, What Would Kelly Do?

Say what you will about Kelly Ripa. Say that she's clearly sold out to media standards of beauty. Say that there is little left of the authentic Kelly (from her career as a soap star or her early days on the show), and that she's been replaced with chicklet teeth, orangey tan skin, hair that gets blonder by the nano-second, and weight loss so significant she's beginning to look like the newest Bratz doll (check out early picture of her in an interview and the top photo). Mock away, naysayers, because I just like her, okay? This is a woman who has an amazing job, three kids, a marriage still intact (amazing by any standards these days) and she was recently chosen to hawk my favorite product of all time. The Tide To Go Pen. Seriously, she can call it a day. She has it all.
I was wondering the other day, does Kelly really use her Tide To Go Pen? Is it tucked into her Hermes bag, ready to dab at the Pinot Grigio that splashed onto her Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress over lunch with her people? How does Kelly use the pen?
I can tell you how Kelly doesn't use the pen.
Even though Kelly has birthed three children, I have a hard time picturing Kelly enduring urinary incontinence of any sort. With all that "chasing after three kids" she does to keep her rail-thin figure (because they all say that, these people who weigh 84 pounds and are parents. They say it's because they're busy running after the little ones. I'm still waiting for the star who says she's tiny because she likes to throw up her All Bran), she's probably tightened up those muscles that control such things as urine flow in the process. Kelly's kids apparently like to run to Connecticut and back each day, while carrying large burlap sacks filled with potting soil. I guess my kids are just lazy, hence my weight remaining in the three digits.
Where was I? Ah, yes, urinary incontinence.
Kelly probably has never, say, sneezed while driving in her car. Then needed to exit said car to procure a take'n'bake pizza for her children. She's probably never looked at her Tide To Go Pen in her car's console and wondered, Hmmmmm. Works anywhere, eh? She's probably never taken that Tide to Go Pen and shook it vigorously, then pressed a little too hard on the tip, spilling Tide onto her crotch. Nope. Kelly wouldn't do that. Kelly would scoff at the woman with Tide crotch, holding the pen in one hand and waving furiously at her nether region to dry the Tide soaked area so she could just go in and get the damn pizzas and resume packing up her fucking house. Kelly, well, Kelly has probably had surgery for such inconveniences in life. Kelly wouldn't do that, because the paparazzi would have a heyday, and how would she explain the Tide To Go Pen in her crotch to, oh, her oldest child looking on with bewilderment? What Would Kelly Do?
Not that.

27 comments:

Julie Pippert said...

OMG I am ROFL!

Hey PSSSST, come here shhh ilikekellytoo LOL

slouching mom said...

Do you remember Kelly Ripa as Haley on AMC?

What a world of difference, then and now.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

During my labor 10 weeks ago, (Regis &) Kelly was on...she made me want to rip the TV out of the wall.

This post was HI-larious!

Nancy said...

Too funny ... I have never tried that pen ... is this an official endorsement?

Beth said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, jeez. You are a funny lady.

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

Gotta say she does nothing for me other than make me want to vomit and swallow it. ha ha. Hysterical pot.

Mother of Chaos said...

Oh, hot holy carp on buttered toast. I am going to be snickering for HOURS!

Thanks for a REALLY good laugh. That sounds like something that would happen to me...

Lorelai said...

OMG - I seriously need that pen now because I just peed my pants laughing! Seriously I so needed this laugh after the week I have. I love you!!!!!!!!

ps == I am a huge Kelly fan, always have been and always will be. She may be thin, but I still love her and all that she stands for.

Audubon Ron said...

Once again, I marvel at your tempo and think your story telling is a gift. My face is hurting from laughing.

Tide To Go Pen? Not me, I Shout it out. “HEY, YOU GET OUT OF THERE!” Cuz, unlike Kelly, my wife does the laundry. BUT, I COOK! I get polio if I have to fold clothes and make the bed.

Odd laundry technique the little woman has. It involves a snow shovel and a personal air respirator. Ever once in a while it also involves one of those litter pick up pincher thingies for those pungently soiled articles of wear. When she does the laundry she has questions. My standard answer always is, “Honey, I don’t know.”

Anonymous said...

here is another disturbing story of bad parenting! It's unbelievable what some of these sick parents will do. please respond th this blog entry to show what you think about it. http://www.mypetpeeves.com/plog/index.php/archives/2529

Brat said...

You say procrastination like it's a BAD thing... LOL

WWKD. Too funny.

Reminds me of that South Park episode where they kept singing about Brian Boitano...
.

Anonymous said...

Need to find a pic of Kelly from her Dance Party USA days & see how she's changed. She's certainly come a long way!

stella said...

I LOVE. RIPPA. And I am ever more pleased to now know..i am not the only one...who thinks so much of her.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

That is truly truly hilarious. And yes somehow I think she'd just toss her designer britches if she got a crotch stain.

Tere said...

Thing is, she IS far from her roots (hair and otherwise!) but she's managed to maintain some semblance of being a normal person, not uber-Hollywoodish.

What would Kelly do, indeed!

Her Grace said...

Oh. Oh,my. I just clicked over here while procrastinating packing for vacation and I am so damn glad I did. That was freaking hilarious!

You should be the next face of Tide to Go pen...you'd sell way more than Kelly!

Andrea said...

In the car... that's when I grab the McDonald's napkins from the center console & stuff them in the front of my underwear and hope I caught it in time...

ablondeblogger said...

LOL! I can so relate, AND I love Kelly, too! I've been a fan of hers for awhile, and remember watching her when she first joined AMC.

Did you see her show off her "guns" on the show the other day? She has huge biceps!

Cathy said...

OMG, I soooo needed that laugh!

Absolutely Bananas said...

hilarious!! thanks for the laughs!

Oh, The Joys said...

You know, I like her too. A lot. She's funny.

BOSSY said...

Bossy thinks she is now very VERY depressed.

Shauna said...

Hilarious! You're too much!

thailandchani said...

LOL! Oh, this is funny! You know, the commercial that really amused me was Kelly going through the fast food drive-thru.

As if~ :)


Peace,

~chani

Lawyer Mama said...

Jen, you kill me!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

OMG, very funny---you make the most out of wasted time, I'd say!

Yes, Kelly has become the newest Bratz doll! Scary!!!