Thursday, July 26, 2007

Too Early to Drink, Too Late to Go Back to Bed

I always wear a bra. Always. Except for showering, that is, and trust me, if ever a shower bra is invented, I'll be the first to buy it. I've had four kids nurse the life out of me for roughly a year each, and the results? Pretty much what you'd expect. This is not a post for me to wax poetic on how my boobs are by far the lowest, most tube-sock like in all of blogland. Rather, it is to share some shame and move on.

This morning the doorbell rang before 8:00. It is summer. We're up late, and I was still in bed. For reasons I will not get into, I was in a t-shirt with no bra at the time of the egregious doorbell-ringing. So I grabbed some work-out pants, and using the door as a shield, I cracked open the door. It was the handy man, coming to take care of a few things before we close on the house. Before 8:00 in the morning. Shit. As long as he kept his eyes between my natural chest area and my eyes, we were fine. But I knew if he looked closer to the waistband of my workout pants, I'd be screwed. He would wonder why I had two hackey sacs about to fall out of my t-shirt. Oh, now would be a good time to tell you that I was wearing Bossy's BlogWhore t-shirt, that I so eagerly ordered to feel a part of the BlogHer "thing" going on without me. Can I interrupt the story for a moment to tell you that most people do not blog? And that they want to know why a mommy of four is wearing her BlogWhore t-shirt at the family gym? Yeah. Good times.

So this handyman comes in, asks me where some things are, and I use my words to the best of my ability. But I've had no coffee, and coffee makes me her bitch just like a heroin junkie perks me up in the morning. So I didn't have a lot of words, and at one point I had to release one arm from it's crossed position across my chest and gesture to the garage, where Mr. Early Bird would find the ladder.

He finally left, and I froze my position and slowly walked over to the mirror. One arm still across my chest, supporting the remnants of my left mammary, the other arm raised in an "over there" gesture. Let's just say one side of me looked normal, maybe the side view of a regular woman in her thirties. The other side?

Phyllis Diller.

22 comments:

Kian said...

I know I shouldn't laugh. I really really shouldn't because I am on my 22nd month of nursing...I nursed my toddler until he was 19 months old, had exactly one month break and then gave birth to the babe I'm currently nursing.

So I know I shouldn't laugh. But it's your fault for being so funny!

Nancy said...

...and this is why I had a "lift" ... nothing added, just put them back up where they belong pre-offspring.

Brat said...

Heh. This is exactly why I wear long t-shirts... to keep my nipples covered.
.

metalmom said...

I just tuck 'em in my pants.

nutmeg said...

I too am a constant bra wearer. I would buy the shower bra too! Maybe we should collaborate and enter it on that invention show. I too flashed a nursed-four-babies-boob this week! At the beach. No t-shirt. Painful.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

You wear a BlogWhore T-shirt to the gym? That is still cracking me up!

Joanie said...

Dear BlogWhore:
I'm Phyllis Diller. You are...mmm.. maybe Patricia Heaton before the lift.
Someday, after enough g&t's, I'll show you just what I mean.
Oh knife, I hear your siren song....

Mrs. Incredible said...

ooooh please invent the shower bra! It could have a little pocket for my razor and washcloth. kind of like a boob-utility belt?

Queeny said...

My favs are sports bras. They really hold these post-nursing jugs in place.

Missy said...

Ha! The same thing happened to me last week when the exterminator stopped by at 8:30 am and I as just in a tshirt and cotton shorts. I had my arms crossed across my chest the whole time, feeling like an idiot.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oh so funny! I flashed the fed-ex man the other day when I opened the door to sign for a package wearing my nursing gown. Good times, good times.

And non-bloggers DON'T get the humor of our blogging terms such as BlogWhore!

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thanks for the titty story. I kinda wish mine were big enough to flash. I look like a teenage boy. My 3 sucked the life right out of mine.

Got the Johnny T book, by the way! I need to come up w/ a contest so I can pass on the lovin'!

Lorelai said...

Ok - I loved this post for a few reasons. At the age of a young 35 and with a slim figure I have the what I call "boobes from hell". After three kids and breast feeding they are beyond tube socks. I am large for my build (a size 4 or 6) so while in a bra they look fine without one YIKES!

My ex (the father of my kids) had me so ashamed of my saggy breasts that when I began to date my guy now I literally cried the first time we had sex in fear he would not want me after he saw me naked.

How wrong was I. MY GOD! Turns out he has been dreaming of real boobes for years...lolol Tired of the small B cup women the man can not get enough. Has promised me that "baby seriously we all want soft saggy boobies -- who wants to lay on and enjoy hard fake ones".

Needless to say I am happy and confident with my "seasoned boobies". hehehehe

Cheers to Real Ones Baby!!!

Sophie's Mom said...

Ha ha! What, we get no picture? ;)

Great post!

Sophie's Mom said...

I have to say that I hate to wear a bra, and only do it when I go somewhere (and sometimes then I don't!)

I nursed 2 kiddos, and I'm fortunate I guess, that it didn't bother my boobs. But.. I have a hanging armpit because my milk came in both pregnancies in my armpit. BIG lump of milk, the size of a hard boiled egg in the pit. Milk went away, hangy armpit flesh didn't. Ugh.

No more sleeveless shirts for me...

dani said...

i can't count the number of times the handy man, cleaning person, most recently EXTERMINATOR.... have come to my house at ungodly hours on the weekends, or just inconvenient hours that also find me throwing on what scanty clothes I have at my immediate disposal bc the door bell is ringing so persistently i fear wit will wake the neighbors or there is a fire. I found you at the Blogger's Choice Awards where you are nominated for Best Humor BLog. Best of luck with that! You should add a brag badge so your readers know you are in the running (till Nov I think). The codes available at http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/5596.

Her Grace said...

You're a better woman than I; I would have hid in the kitchen and not answered the door!

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

I loves posts about boobs!
I've flashed more people than I care to remember... And boobs are never the same after kids.

Mary Alice said...

My abnormally gorgeous sister, Cutza, has come up with a new way to look svelte in all her photographs, she just holds her arms up over her head. It creates an illusion of thinness AND...this is important...lifts those girls up high and proud....so next time you answer the door braless, no slumping and covering, my friend...no...raise your hands way up over your head, smile with confidence and say, Howdy.

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

Lol. You are so funny. You wear your blggerwhore T-shirt to work out?! I think I'm more impressed that you work out! Wow. Ok, I can't relate to the sucked on tube sock titties cus I never experienced it. But I can tell you about my "no-bra" super duper "ta-ta's". ha ha.... They're perky... hee hee.

Absolutely Bananas said...

hilarious! the title of your post says it all.

ablondeblogger said...

Oh my gosh, roflmao!!! I love you!

This reminds me of one time when I was really behind on laundry so I put on these old pants that had holes in the crotch.

And of course, that day a friend shows up at my door unexpectedly and I had to try to talk all normal to her hoping she didn't notice the crotch holes, lol!