WWKD?

Welcome to the newest section of my blog, wherein I discuss many pertinent, thoughtful topics as a way of procrastinating and avoiding the task of packing up my home by next weekend. I have found, in my warm embrace of Putting Off Important Things To Do, that there is so much I need to think about. So much I can ponder, things that are so deep that I need to take yet another break from constructing a packing box. So welcome to my first piece in the series, What Would Kelly Do?

Say what you will about Kelly Ripa. Say that she's clearly sold out to media standards of beauty. Say that there is little left of the authentic Kelly (from her career as a soap star or her early days on the show), and that she's been replaced with chicklet teeth, orangey tan skin, hair that gets blonder by the nano-second, and weight loss so significant she's beginning to look like the newest Bratz doll (check out early picture of her in an interview and the top photo). Mock away, naysayers, because I just like her, okay? This is a woman who has an amazing job, three kids, a marriage still intact (amazing by any standards these days) and she was recently chosen to hawk my favorite product of all time. The Tide To Go Pen. Seriously, she can call it a day. She has it all.

I was wondering the other day, does Kelly really use her Tide To Go Pen? Is it tucked into her Hermes bag, ready to dab at the Pinot Grigio that splashed onto her Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress over lunch with her people? How does Kelly use the pen?

I can tell you how Kelly doesn't use the pen.

Even though Kelly has birthed three children, I have a hard time picturing Kelly enduring urinary incontinence of any sort. With all that "chasing after three kids" she does to keep her rail-thin figure (because they all say that, these people who weigh 84 pounds and are parents. They say it's because they're busy running after the little ones. I'm still waiting for the star who says she's tiny because she likes to throw up her All Bran), she's probably tightened up those muscles that control such things as urine flow in the process. Kelly's kids apparently like to run to Connecticut and back each day, while carrying large burlap sacks filled with potting soil. I guess my kids are just lazy, hence my weight remaining in the three digits.

Where was I? Ah, yes, urinary incontinence.

Kelly probably has never, say, sneezed while driving in her car. Then needed to exit said car to procure a take'n'bake pizza for her children. She's probably never looked at her Tide To Go Pen in her car's console and wondered, Hmmmmm. Works anywhere, eh? She's probably never taken that Tide to Go Pen and shook it vigorously, then pressed a little too hard on the tip, spilling Tide onto her crotch. Nope. Kelly wouldn't do that. Kelly would scoff at the woman with Tide crotch, holding the pen in one hand and waving furiously at her nether region to dry the Tide soaked area so she could just go in and get the damn pizzas and resume packing up her fucking house. Kelly, well, Kelly has probably had surgery for such inconveniences in life. Kelly wouldn't do that, because the paparazzi would have a heyday, and how would she explain the Tide To Go Pen in her crotch to, oh, her oldest child looking on with bewilderment? What Would Kelly Do?

Not that.