Three mom bloggers in our blogosphere are getting ready to have babies (Liz of Mom-101, Christina of A Mommy Story, and first-timer Tammie of Soul Gardening), and Motherhood Uncensored is having a virtual baby shower for these lucky mamacitas. She's asked for various things, including some assvice from us other, non-knocked up mom bloggers, to pass on to the ladies.
1. Boys invariably smell vaguely of pee and sunshine. Heavy on the pee. Stock up on Fabreeze.
2. Your boobs, when engorged (this is for the first timer) will look like something out of a fetish video. Your husband will be intrigued; practice saying "If you touch my nipples I will be wearing your scrotum as decorative jewelry."
3. That fun "period" you get after you give birth? Don't worry, that's not your liver in the toilet.
4. When people ask if your baby is on a schedule, tell them the little ass monkey won't listen and you're wondering if it's too soon to start spanking.
5. With each subsequent child, you will look nine months pregnant for at least two weeks longer after giving birth.
6. Watching reruns of the Sopranos in the middle of the night helps bring down your milk, so does a good gin and tonic.
7. Your older children might be jealous of the attention given to the new baby; this is natural. Just tell them they're not as special anymore, and would they please move, daddy is trying to take a picture of the little princess.
8. Other moms are really, really competitive. Make shit up. Tell them your baby started muttering the phrase "Einstein was wrong" while thrashing in the crib at night.
9. Only you know when it's time to wean your baby. If you could put a plate in your lip and get on the cover of National Geographic while topless? It's time.10. Older people are really judgmental when it comes to things like co-sleeping. Don't get irritated at their antiquated advice. Just smile and tell them you really find that co-sleeping works for you. You just wish little junior would yell louder when you accidentally roll on him.