Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Geriatric Blogger Mauls Pubescents

Sometimes I feel spry and nimble and barely realize I'm in my mid-thirties. And I am still in my mid-thirties, contrary to what some of you would say. Thirty-nine is late thirties.

But other times I feel downright decrepit. Like the other night at the gym.

Usually when I go to the gym, it's in the middle of the day with the other SAHMs and the retired folks. That's also when I feel all nimble and young. Benchpressing next to a man with an oxygen tank does something to remind me of my youth.

But I've been busy, so I have been skulking off to the gym after dinner. Ladies, have you had children? When you last saw the decade of your twenties was Friends the hot new show? Then DON'T go to the gym at night. This is when the young people come out.

*cue screeching horror music*

I am nearing a very special time of the month, the time where I bring out the parachute-esque pair of worn cotton panties. The time where I don't want to wear clothing that presses on my pubis or lower uterine area - nothing that even reminds me of any girl part on my body.

So my attire at the gym was comprised of the following: full-waisted gray nylon pants (the kind that billow all around your tummy/ass region when you sit? Quite comfortable), old pink tank top and white hoodie that have both mysteriously shrunk since the holidays, thick black glasses (my contacts are rebelling and I look like an angry rabbit with them in), frizzy-post holiday winter hair hastily scraped back into *cue additional horror music* a scrunchie. I should add the extra special bonus that is the joy of wearing high waisted anything: each butt cheek looks about eighteen inches long.

My finest moment? Perhaps not. But I am not there to snag a man, and frankly, there have been times at the gym before noon when ensembles like that have made men have to crank up the oxygen levels on their tanks.

I worked out and realized I had been there for two hours and needed to get home and take care of some things. So I ran through the narrow hall by the racquetball courts, the swishing of my nyloned thighs announcing me, and these two young things were sauntering in front of me blocking my way.

They were really annoying. And not just because they were meandering and swaying and not maintaining a straight trajectory so that I might pass them.

But also because they were that young taut breed that I now think of as young. They had teeny tiny shorts on, the low-ride fit clearly not enough since the waist-band was rolled to the top of their hoo haws. They had no body fat except what was in their bras, and they skipped in front of me with long glossy hair - the kind that is effortlessly thrown into a messy bun. The very same way I sometimes try and wear my hair now, except I always end up looking like a bald woman with a knot at the nape of her neck. Four kids and the hair and nails take a slight beating.

So I finally pass these girls and I'm practically racing down the hall, my thighs this close to starting a fire, and I hear one of them giggle and say, "Excuuuse us!" and the other giggles right back and says:

(in an old lady voice like you would affect for oh, say, a woman in her nineties): "Yeah, excuse me, eh?"

When did I get old?

39 comments:

Candy said...

And when did young people get so damned rude?

Candy said...

And did I really just say that? I think I was channeling my mother or something.

Rima said...

I can't believe you didn't karate chop their skinnly little a$$e$ right on the spot. You KNOW you could have totally taken them down!!!

Anna said...

I didn't even look like that when I was that age. So it is just that much harder for us late thirties lovelies.

And that is what we are, really. At least you were at the gym!

wheelsonthebus said...

My kidneys just stopped functioning.

Emily

Kelly said...

Ouch...note to self, avoid evening workouts.

kristen said...

Wow, so rude. Really. Really. Rude.

And mean. Very. Very. Mean.

ugh.

Family Adventure said...

That's why I don't go to the gym at night! Ugh.

Heidi

BipolarLawyerCook said...

Kids these days. No damned manners. You're not old. You're SANE. It's different.

Mary Alice said...

Ugghh. Well, let's assume that they were still in their teens. My daughters are like that...no body fat, silky hair. Sigh. They sucked it right out of me.

Mrs. G. said...

Steven Colbert would say you're not old, your oldish.

Listen, if I were you, I would just continue to exercise next to the gereatric set, particularly the old man with the oxygen tank. Because, girl, they will think you and your nineties scrunchie are HAWT. Then go home and molest Bob. Stay away from anything in between.

jakelliesmom said...

Killing me. You are just killing me.

I happen to belong (I'd say "go" but lately, I haven't) to a female only gym, and am generally one of the younger ladies there, (and you know I'm not that young). But damned in the summer if those young college coeds don't remind us of the pre-stretchmark days.

painted maypole said...

comparing ourselves with young teenagers leads to NO WHERE GOOD.

and I'm with Rima. You could have taken them down in a millisecond

jrogers39 said...

Young skinny beotches! Down with them! Viva la scrunchie revolution!

Madame Queen said...

When I see girls like that I want to tell them "Go on girls! Drink that beer! Eat that pizza at midnight! You think your metabolism is going to be great forever. But guess what? It's NOT! When you've given birth to two (or more!) kids, THEN come back and we'll talk."

Jen M. said...

Yes, I could have taken them down. They were probably a tad faint from not eating. ;)

flutter said...

oh the RUDE!

and 18 inch butcheeks cracked me up!

Lela said...

Ugh, I hate girls like that. Rude just because they can be, I would have said something, hey I think I heard your mommy calling you.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

You have honestly brought the tears of hilarity to my eyes!

OMG...

"Benchpressing next to a man with an oxygen tank does something to remind me of my youth."

This is hilarious. I mean I'm a very young 38 and I knows whatchu are talkin' about hot mama! Don't get me started on how I hide my spider veins beneath, oh the horrors, a matchy matchy jog set!

Kathryn said...

Damn kids with their damn taut bodies.

suburbancorrespondent said...

Oh, my. Sort of like having a teenage daughter living with you...wondering why you don't have a life...ouch.

And, am I the only one who has been thinking that those older guys are sort of attractive now?

Jenn said...

I go to Curves, where the main clientel is over 60, and most (at my location anyway) seem to be vastly overweight. It makes me feel skinny AND young, and not so bad about the baby belly that's still hanging around...even though my "baby" is almost a year and a half old!

amanda said...

I don't know when it happened but I am the woman at the gym who resists the urge to trip the taught youth as she perkily runs on the treadmill. When you see the story on MSNBC- just send chocolate to the jail.

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck said...

You should totally have kicked their a$$e$. Skinny, uppity things. I am still in my 20's but I still hate those girls at the gym. Age doesn't matter.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I stoppeed reading at "spent two hours at the gym." You go, girl!

Just Seeking said...

That was hilarious! but no, I didn't just spew my wine all over my keyboard! :-)
I love the Curves idea. I went to a Lady of America when I lived in Tucson and it was awesome. All SAHMs and old ladies. The best ever. I felt young and spry! not that I ever went to the 530pm classes or anything. Those would have scared the hell out of me!

Cathy said...

Taut skin? For me, a distant memory.

As for those snarky little misses?

Their day will come.

I wish a set of twins -- and accompanying stretch marks -- on each of them.

The Cube Monkey said...

When did you get old?
Well, to those girls, probably when you passed the "30" mark.
Being 1 month shy of 45 I can tell you that after the age of 35 I started realizing I was old and comments like that bothered me.
The cool thing about passing the "40" mark is that now when kids/young adults say stuff like that, I laugh to myself.
Why?
Because I am at the point where I live life. I don't worry about impressing anyone. I don't worry about my body image, what I wear, who I talk to. It's very relieving not to have those stresses. As a matter of fact, I think back now and think about all the time I wasted worrying about those exact things rather than having fun with the time I have here on earth. =)

Circus Kelli said...

Ok. So. Now you know when they're at the gym. Wait for them outside and whack 'em... OR... you could just wait patiently for them to get married, have children, lose their figures and realize "WOW... I'm old."

Yeah, no time like the present. Whack 'em.

jennifer said...

These damn kids these days, so rude! And listening to that rock and roll music, too. And the boys with their long hair. Why in my day, we respected our elders and listened to Frank Sinatra.

Tee hee!

Sexy Housewife said...

I gave up on the gym ages ago. Why torture yourself?

bermudabluez said...

Hilarious post....just wait til you get to your late forties. Ugh.

Laura McIntyre said...

See this is why i avoid the gym and i still think im reasonably young (26)

Rony said...

Yeah night time gym is so intimidating! Oh, what am I saying, so is daytime gym!!

B.E.C.K. said...

*Fried Green Tomatoes* comes to mind:

[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.
;^)

Tracy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tracy said...

oh my so funny and true.
you have a great sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

I am 22 look attractive and workout very hard to look good! I also eat right! Being fat is your fault! No one told you to eat like a pig, get over it your old and frumpy, quite being jealous of younger girls. Do something you fat ass!

B.E.C.K. said...

Ah, Anonymous February 12, 2008 3:58 PM, it's a shame you can't find some maturity or spelling ability in the gym, too.