Ann Coulter: This is Your Mama Calling

Ann Coulter has recently been quoted as asserting that the Jewish people of this world "need perfecting."

Now, that's just silly.

Ann, you need a timeout. You have garnered so much attention from your tantrums that I don't think you remember you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, sweetheart. Annie, are you afraid that if you stop screaming and holding your breath and throwing your toys that people will stop listening to you? Are you afraid that you are only getting noticed for being bad? Do you crave the nation's attention, even when you know you're being naughty, because you think that is the only way anyone will listen to you?

You need a hug. You don't need to pander to the base neanderthal part of men to replace your daddy's love. You don't need to be mean to those women who lost their husbands on 9/11 to get back at your mommy.

Shhh. It's okay, Ann. No matter how bad you've been, no matter how sad and angry you are on the inside, you are still a lovable person. Shhhh, now there. It's okay.

Annie, everybody gets older. There is so much more to a person than looks. You can start to let go of that, just a tiny bit, now that you're nearing 50. Come on, let go. There you go, now go get a skirt that's a little longer. You don't need your hair to be bleached to within an inch of its life to be attractive. You can trim all that damage off, keep some of the length, and go for a softer color. It's okay. You're still pretty. Yes, you are. You are a pretty girl, but you need to remember that pretty is as pretty does. In which case, I think you might want to avoid mirrors for a while, until some golden words start coming out of you. There, now child. The universe wants all of its children to be the best they can. Are you trying your best? I know you love God, Ann. Is this what Jesus would do? I want you to pick up your mess and go write a nice letter. Right. Now.

And when tomorrow comes, I want you to open your heart, smile, and treat people the way you have wished to be treated your whole life.

Now scoot.