Drama Dilemma

There is nothing like school-age drama. Nothing. Since the day my oldest started school I have witnessed the queen bees in training as they selected lucky recipients to sleep overs, or the coveted spots at the lunch table, or the order in which team members have been selected for recess teams. For the past decade or so I have felt thrust back into the schoolyard drama I thought was long behind me. Come to find out, when you have kids, you get the exquisite pleasure of reliving all of the good and bad stuff of childhood. Yippee.

With girls I always expected and have often witnessed cutthroat behavior. It's in the estrogen, right? My first two are girls - so I have had years of tears, joys, slumber party highs and lows and all the ensuing in-between.

But boys? Come on.

My oldest son is six and in first grade. Granted - he goes to a verry sheltered school that eschews media, television, computers and basically the outside world. There are some perks to this - kids retain their sense of magic longer. Of course, when you want to brag to the parents at playground duty that you're now writing for Nickelodeon, it's not nearly as satisfying when they look at you with a blank stare and then politely inquire who Nick O. Lodeon is. Sigh.

The other day one of the other first grade moms approached me and was concerned because she had heard - get this - that my son had brought a knife to school, had threatened to stab himself, and had been sent to the Principal's office. Um. None of that happened. As it turns out, Jacob and some other six year-old boys had been huddled around the tractor tire on the playground and were working themselves up in what I would consider to be "typical" boy behavior and decided they wanted to talk about dangerous things, to include knives. Dangerous things have always fascinated Jacob since we have a pretty strict policy on what they watch, what they can play with (laser guns, yes - semi-automatic pistols not so much) and how they interact. But trust me - you can hate the NRA all you want but your son will still take his peanut butter sandwich and form it into the shape of a handgun and attempt to kill you with it. This is what they are hardwired to do.

But this mom, a sweet and wonderful person, has just one child - her daughter, and has been able to live a life very different from the chaos that is my home. So she was understandably concerned that my son was the next up and coming serial killer. I sat in my minivan and assured her that my son, a gentle and kind soul, would never do anything of the sort.

In the meantime? The dual-screened televisions in the second row of my car were blaring the distinct lasered sounds of a light sabre fight from the Star Wars DVD and the plastic Disneyland sword my toddler took in to the restaurant the other day? In plain view of this woman just as I uttered the phrase, "I don't even let the boys play with knives."

Swords aren't knives, right?

Now I feel like I have to encourage this soft, fluffy kitten and rainbows side of Jacob whenever we approach the playground in the morning.

"Here's your backpack, son. Oh, forgot your lunchbox? Or did you just donate it to another homeless man again while you were busy saving that robin that fell out of its nest? Give me a kiss and tell me how much you love Jesus."

I need a nap. How about you? Any tale-worthy drama with your kids? If not - how are you avoiding it?

And She Emerges from her Silence...

Well.

I knew I was ready to poke my big toe back into the pool of blogging after a particularly hellish day last week that began with my toddler sneaking a sword (plastic, from Disneyland, but still foolish for me to let him carry it in public) into a restaurant at a breakfast meeting and impailing innocent diners and ended in me calling my oldest daughter a sociopath.

It was then when I knew I needed this like a junkie needs a fix was ready to come back. So to my two and a half readers left - I'm baaack!

When your family encounters a crisis like we did this summer, priorities seem to crystalize, and suddenly time spent away from my family clacking away on the computer just wasn't making the list. I really needed to get away. I can report that although my brother-in-law is still paralyzed, he makes progress every day and is able to live and work from home and be with his wife and boys. And of course, the passage of time, the healing of sadness and the re-adjustments we've all made have enabled me to resume a lot of things put on hold.

Some of you may know that I'm working on a book on blogging with some talented ladies. It's an amazing project and while I can say that as the co-editor I have a lot of work ahead of me - the bulk of the talent is coming from our contributors. If you have an amazing story to share relating to how blogging has changed your life, or if you want to point me in the direction of an incredible blog written by a mom I may not know about (and I haven't been reading a lot of blogs lately) please send me a note! Maybe you or someone you enjoy reading will be in bookstores near you next year!

I'm glad to be back swimming again with all of you.

Splash!

Like a Vacation, Only Without the Gin and Blackouts

I've been on a bit of a self-imposed sabbatical from blogging. My plans are to resume things...but maybe a little differently.

I dunno - life, work, other writing jobs...doing the big thinking thing and wondering where blogging fits in and why...and who, exactly, I'm writing for. Do I spend the blogging time watching Oprah and giving myself facials doing other productive ventures that are suffering due to a crazy schedule? Because anyone who reads and/or writes a blog knows what a time sucking vortex it can be.

So...gathering my thoughts (at least one has solidified and that is that I am just too damn old for Twitter. Count me out. No one cares that I am carpooling and on my sixth Diet Coke of the day) and will be regrouping soon.

One thing will remain constant, and that is my need for an outlet to mock my children and vent about my marriage partner all in an effort to feel like I'm part of a team. A team of people who enjoy drinking, manic exercise, bad puns, and the smell of Clorox on a clean toilet seat.

Watch Out! His Wife Can Give You 'Roids!

File this one under "I read this on the news and suddenly I despair for the plight of human beings who will sue/be aggressive and mean at the drop of a hat" or, just file it under "dumb."

Apparently this man:

You know, Joel Osteen from the Live Your Best Life phenomenon? The Texas preacher who has changed the lives of a lot (I say a lot because I don't know - thousands? millions?) of people has a wife with a bit of a pretty princess complex.

Here's the Pretty Princess with her prince:

And here is the flight attendant who says that Pretty Princess elbowed her in the breast and basically gave her the smackdown, because there was a stain on Pretty Princess's first class seat. A...a...stain? On public transportation? Especially over-priced transportation that serves to make rich people feel like they're getting something better First Class?

My favorite part of the AP news article? In the lawsuit, the flight attendant claims that as a result of the incident, which granted - must have been a pain in the ass to endure, was literally a pain in the ass for her to endure. She is suing because she says the resultant stress has given her anxiety and....HEMORRHOIDS.

Haven't we all been there at one time or another? The kids are yelling and giving us a headache and we sit down to just catch a moment and wham! out pops another hemorrhoid.

I totally hate that.

Wedgies, Man Parts, And Uh, Other Weird Stuff.

Yesterday while on the phone with my cousin, I could hear her two kids shrieking like banshees because they share my DNA and are thus a little crazy boisterously playing. We both ignored the background sounds until a lull in the conversation allowed me to hear this exchange between my cousin's five year old daughter (I call her my niece) and her two year old son (again, my nephew)...

"Mooom! Ewwww! Ryan just put his penis on me!"

To which my cousin just dryly commented, "Yeah. Ryan's kind of going through a naked phase. It helps with the potty training, but his man junk is everywhere. Anyway, where were we?"

So, you looking to keep your kid (or someone else's. Heh) man junk in its proper place? The good people at Hanes were kind enough to send me a box of manna from heaven and one less trip to Target their awesome underwear and socks for girls and boys.

Want to read about man junk coverage? Okay - how about Hanes...yeah. Whatever...just go over here for more.....

Wordless Wednesday: Being Chosen from the Crowd to Train as a Jedi Knight = Nirvana for Six Year Old Boy

Sweet Lord...We Have some Winners

I went over to random.org to generate the two winners of the prize and I'll be contacting lady_msnow and Jenn at Juggling Life for the two main prizes.

Here are the people who won a consolation card with a packet of chocolate face mask.....look for an email!

Michelle (commenter #9)
Reeva (#21)
Lisa (stormy5475)
Robin_Titan
Angie (quilly silly)
Estelle (commenter #63)
The Green Yak
Kyra
Pierce
Maypole :)

I'll track you all down, but if you read this first, send me your address and full name to the email on the profile!

As for me, I will be packing my girls up today and getting them ready for a two week vacation to visit family....without me or Bob. What was I thinking?

Have a great weekend everyone and thanks for playing!